"Hey Broken-nose!"
A little tip of the hat to Al Cherney.

Happy Songs Sell Records
Now here's a major "Label" I can relate to.

I had a bus and a band
And I would travel 'cross the land
And a lot of crazy fans
Would come and see me at each stop
'Til the man at my label
Laid his cards on the table
He said "We've loved you in our stable,
But as of right now, you've been dropped"

Well I said, "Shit, I've had big hits,
I've won awards and such"
He said "Son, your number 1's
Were just too sad for us…cuz

Happy songs sell records, sad songs sell beer
And if you keep the people cryin',
You're just killin' your career
Why don't you do yourself a favour
And turn off those tears…cuz
Happy songs sell records, sad songs sell beer"

Now it's true that most my songs
Are about how love goes wrong
They're kind of mournful, kind of long
Well sort of like this one I'm singin'
But I've come to the conclusion
That there's an obvious solution
If my tunes get people boozin'
I've got to profit from their drinkin'

So I'll keep on singin' these sad songs
And you keep sippin' suds
My next concerts are corporate sponsored
I signed a deal with "BUD"…cuz

Happy songs sell records, sad songs sell beer
And that fact's exactly
What the breweries love to hear
Everytime a heart gets broken
It's just music to their ears…cuz
Happy songs sell records, sad songs sell beer

And all you weasels at the labels
You can stick it in your ears…cuz
Happy songs sell records, sad songs sell beer
Yeah, Happy songs sell records, sad songs sell beer

She's Got Herself a Redneck Now
Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, and personal hygiene is overlooked.

I was as green as the leaves on the sycamore trees
Never off the farm before
She was a big city girl raised all 'round the world "Society" type for sure
I was there ropin' steers at the county fair
I saw her wink at me and wave
Then she wandered up said, "Here's a kiss for luck"
Oh what a kiss she gave
Too bad I never shaved

She's got herself a redneck now
Startin' at the top of her blouse
It runs all the ways right up her face
And clear past her eyebrows
She must've kissed me half to death
Boy that girl can hold her breath
Through all that mushy stuff
I must've fell in love
She's got herself a redneck now

Well I was down on the ground when I finally came round
I don't remember much of the ride
Just one little kiss from those two little lips
The next thing I knew I was flyin'
When they woke me up I was still puckered up
She ran to my side on the double
And then in a flash she did something rash
Started to kiss and to cuddle
She paid no mind to the stubble

She's got herself a redneck now
She's brighter than a sunburned sow
It's like prickly heat on both of her cheeks
And scarlet fever cross her brow
And even though my beard is rough
She shows no signs of lettin' up
Through all that mushy stuff
I must've fell in love
She's got herself a redneck now
Yeah if you're gonna misbehave
Well first you'd better shave…
She's got herself a redneck now…

I'll Get Over Bluegrass
I don't know why I'm so drawn to this music,
although rumors of inbreeding persist in my lineage.

I fell in love with bluegrass, a long, long time ago
Rockin’ in the cradle, while Momma drew the bow
Daddy strummin' rhythm, they’d sing in harmony
That lonesome sound struck a chord in me

And I remember evenings around the radio
Tunin’ in and tunin’ up to old Bill Monroe
Tryin’ to learn a lick or two from Flatt and Scruggs
Folks all wondered when I’d give it up

I’ll get over bluegrass; my love for it will end
When a whip-poor-will won’t cry out
When a willow tree won’t bend
When there’s no moon of Kentucky, no hills of Tennessee
I’ll get over bluegrass when there’s bluegrass over me

So when I hear a flattop, gut-bass or mandolin
Dobro, fiddle, banjo, you can count me in
Cause when the roll is called up yonder and the angels come for me
I hope they know their three-part harmony

I’ll get over bluegrass; my love for it will end
When a whip-poor-will won’t cry out
When a willow tree won’t bend
When there’s no moon of Kentucky, no hills of Tennessee
I’ll get over bluegrass when there’s bluegrass over me

The Hangin’ Tree
There actually is a bar named the Hangin' Tree and
this tune came to me driving home from a gig there one night.

There's a place down the road called The Hangin' Tree
It's just over the hill, off route 70
It's a lonely little tavern
Where all my new friends gather
I've been comin' here since she walked out on me

Whiskey's cheap, beer is cold and the lights are low
Every song on that jukebox is sad and slow
There's a drink here called "The Noose"
For the man who's been cut loose
Guess that's all of us with nowhere else to go

At The Hangin’ Tree, where we all hang out
Everyone's got a woman they're hung up about
Guess it's true, misery sure loves company
Cause we all hang our heads at The Hangin’ Tree

There's old Bert at the bar, his heart just won't mend
I hear Carl in the corner, he's cryin' again
Everyone's run out of hope
At the end of our ropes
Hangin' by a thread, way out on a limb

At The Hangin’ Tree, where we all hang out
Everyone's got a woman they're hung up about
Guess it's true, misery sure loves company
Cause we all hang our heads at The Hangin’ Tree

Talk Hockey
In Canada hockey isn't just a sport, it's a way of life
And I've got the missing teeth to prove it.

Well I’m Canadian born, Canadian bred
About as Canadian as one guy gets
I eat Canadian bacon, drink Canada Dry
I do all my shoppin’ at Canadian Tire
And like every other blue-blooded fellow Canuck
My ears perk up at the drop of a puck
Cause there’s really only one official language in this country
We talk hockey

Well I was sittin’ in a bar with the boys and some beers
Squabblin’ over who would win the cup this year
From the next table over I heard an angels voice
Sayin’ who she’d pick for her first draft choice
Rhyming off stats and standings it was scary
She knew more about the game than old Don Cherry
Every word that came from her mouth really shocked me
She talked hockey

She’s so outspoken on our national sport
She gabs about Gretzky, orates about Orr
Cheers in English, swears in French
That girl’s got a body that’d clear the bench
If that ain’t enough it keeps a-getting’ better
Her eyes are bluer than a home team sweater
But her sweet little lips that's what really got me
She talks hockey

Well six months later we were all hitched up
When it comes to lovin’ boy she takes the cup
She’s got kisses so sweet, she’s got huggin' so nice
She’s got seasons tickets down at centre ice
We don’t always share the same beliefs
She likes the Habs and I like the Leafs
But we love curlin’ up over Tim Hortons’ coffee
And talkin’ hockey

She’s so outspoken on our national sport
She gabs about Gretzky, orates about Orr
Cheers in English, swears in French
That girl’s got a body that’d clear the bench
If that ain’t enough it keeps a-getting’ better
Her eyes are bluer than a home team sweater
But her sweet little lips are what really got me
She talks hockey

Firmly On The Fence
I couldn't decide whether or not to put this one on the record.

You've got to put your foot down, you've got to take the plunge
Make a choice and boldly stand behind it
I've made a firm decision to stick right to my guns
The trouble is I constantly revise it

I'm wishy-washy, namby-pamby, sometimes hem and haw
But only up until my mind gets made
Then I become committedly comme si comme ca
I have a backbone but it's easily swayed

My friends say I should hide it or try to find a cure
They say I'm indecisive, me I'm not so sure
Whenever folks star takin' sides, things start getting' tense
So me, I'm sittin' firmly on the fence

My friends all hold opinions, yes they all have their views
And they'll defend them 'til their face turns red
They ask me who I side with, but how am I to choose
The coin I toss keep landin' on its edge

They say the grass is greener, just try the other side
Well I definitely maybe, positively might
But the second I decide those second thoughts commence
So me, I'm sittin' firmly on the fence
Yes I keep getting' richer, by keepin' my two cents
Me I'm sittin' firmly on the
I just might stay permanently on the
Me I'm sittin' firmly on the fence

The Thirst
Alcoholics do have the ability (or is it the capacity?) to hold their liquor.

The thirst is a bad habit
A hard, hard one to break
And that drink, I shouldn’t have it
But I need to stop these shakes
A single glass of whiskey
I swear I’ll just have one
But once the liquor hits me
The thirst has just begun

Oh the thirst has got me in its spell
It’s a curse to hold your liquor well
There’s just one drink I can’t handle
And that one is my first
After that…nothin’ stops the thirst

I’ve woke up on cell floors
I’ve woke up on lawns
I’ve woke up to divorce
My wife and kids were gone
When morning comes I ought to
Wake up and get some help
But for know there’s just this bottle
So I’ll just help myself

Oh the thirst has got me in its spell
It’s a curse to hold your liquor well
There’s just one drink I can’t handle
And that one is my first
After that…nothin’ stops the thirst

It’s an all consuming hunger, it’s a burning hot desire
If I live to be a hundred, I won’t put out this fire

Oh the thirst has got me in its spell
It’s a curse to hold your liquor well
There’s just one drink I can’t handle
And that one is my first

After that…nothin’ stops the thirst

10 Foot Tall & 40 Foot Wide
A story song - loosely based on fiction.

Tommy was a trucker headin’ home for Valentine’s Day
He was lookin’ to say, "I love you" in a brand new way
He pulled off outside of Boulder
Bought some brushes, paint and rollers
And he covered his trailer with the words he had to say

10 foot tall, 40 foot wide, bright red paint, down both sides
He wrote "Jenny I love you, will you be my bride?"
And the folks that watched said this guy’s out of his mind
Writin’ love letters 10 foot tall and 40 foot wide

His bright red trailer got a spot on the local news
Next day the networks all sent camera crews
Soon the whole highway was buzzin’
With reporters by the dozen
When he stopped for his lunch he gave 19 interviews

10 foot tall, 40 foot wide, bright red paint, down both sides
He wrote "Jenny I love you, will you be my bride?"
And the folks that watched said this guy’s out of his mind
Writin’ love letters 10 foot tall and 40 foot wide

Jenny turned on the tube and she couldn’t believe her eyes
There was Tommy on the news proposing to her…king-size
Well she knew just how to answer
She got a box and an old stepladder
And hit the switch that night when Tommy and the press arrived

10 foot tall, 40 foot wide, strings of bulbs, blinkin’ bright
She wrote "YES" right cross the roof in Christmas lights
And the folks that watched said this pair’s out of their minds
Writin’ love letters 10 foot tall and 40 foot wide

Marriage Ain’t A Word
We got married in the bathtub. It was a double ring ceremony.

There I stood in the courthouse shakin’ like a leaf
Starin’ in the eyes of the justice of the peace
He showed me no mercy. He sentenced me to life
He smiled as he said it, "I pronounce you man and wife"

Marriage ain’t a word it’s a sentence
Just like the ones they serve in San Quentin
Say "I do" and you’ll be doin’ penance
‘Cause marriage ain’t a word it’s a sentence

I married that woman ‘bout 10 years ago
Now I sympathize with those guys on death row
It’s all been hard labour, no pardon in sight
When she tied the knot man she sure tied it tight

Marriage ain’t a word it’s a sentence
Just like the ones they serve in San Quentin
Get ready for a lifetime of repentance
‘Cause marriage ain’t a word it’s a sentence

That statement might employ improper grammar
But we don’t study syntax in the slammer

No marriage ain’t a word, it’s a sentence
Just like the ones they serve in San Quentin
Ask any married man in attendance
(He’ll tell you) marriage ain’t a word it’s a sentence
And if you say it loud enough you’ll always sound pretentious
Superfluously misogynistic marriage is a sentence

Fools Speed Ahead
We all know people like these. I grew up in a town full of them.

Johnny gave up high school, to work at Red’s garage
While pumpin’gas he first saw Caroline
Her tailpipe was a-draggin’ as she pulled up Daddy’s Dodge
When their eyes met the real sparks started flyin’
As he fixed her up she asked him "What time do you get off?"
He jumped into the front and said, "Is right now soon enough?"

Fools speed ahead, let the tires spin
Needle in the red, caution to the wind
They’ll go where angels are scared to tread
When fools fall in love, fools speed ahead

They drove around for hours, just following their hearts
They raced along the backroads nowhere bound
They talked about forever underneath the stars
‘Til midnight miles away that Dodge broke down
They had to put the roof up as a storm started to brew
And as the rain began to fall they were fallin’ too

Fools speed ahead, let the tires spin
Needle in the red, caution to the wind
They’ll go where angels are scared to tread
When fools fall in love, fools speed ahead

"Slow down" people tell them, make every moment last
But if you’re gonna go too far why not get there fast

Fools speed ahead, let the tires spin
Needle in the red, caution to the wind
They’ll go where angels are scared to tread
When fools fall in love,
Fools speed ahead, they jump right in
Over their heads it’s sink or swim
They’ll go where angels are scared to tread
When fools fall in love, fools speed ahead

Time Flies
The drummer was having a tempo-tantrum on this one.

I been starin’ face to face with that old clock
And it seems like hours between each tick and tock
Just when I’m convinced it must be runnin’ slow
Everything speeds up when I hear your hello

Time flies, when I’m with you girl it soars
Time flies, lyin’ in those arms of yours
But when you’re away and it’s me and these four walls
Mmmm…time crawls

Well I swear the world turns slower when you’re gone
Cause when I’m alone the day drags on and on
And I know how long a lonely night can last
But when I’m kissin’ you it’s morning in a flash

Time flies, when I’m with you girl it soars
Time flies, lyin’ in those arms of yours
But when you’re away and it’s me and these four walls
Mmmm…time crawls

How much longer must I wait?
‘Til you walk in and things accelerate

Time flies, when I’m with you girl it soars
Time flies, lyin’ in those arms of yours
But when you’re away and it’s me and these four walls
Mmmm…time crawls

No, No, No Note
I guess I just didn't have the write stuff.

Round & Round
Yet another indecisive tune…I think?

Round and round, this love is makin’ me so dizzy
First you leave me then you miss me girl
We keep goin’ round and round

Round and round, one day you’re cryin’ "It’s all over"
Next day we’re rollin’ in the clover girl
We keep goin’ round and round

Any way the wind is blowin’, your mind changes on a whim
Never knowin’ where we’re goin’, but here we go again

Round and round, things are lookin’ awful blurry
We’re getting’ nowhere in a hurry girl
We keep goin’ round and round

Round and round, we gotta stop these wheels from spinnin’
Find our way back to the beginnin’ girl
We keep goin’ round and round

And with every revolution I grow more and more concerned
Your behavior’s so confusin’, which way do I turn?

Round and round, if only you would make your mind up
How you and I are gonna wind up girl
We’d stop goin’ round and round…

Those Were the Nights
Your first taste of love is often bittersweet.

"Those were the days" I’ve heard folks say
When they talk about high school
The only times that cross my mind
Are the ones I spent with you

The days were long they’d just drag on
We could hardly wait for dark
To slip away down lover’s lane
And find a quiet place to park

Those were the nights I’ve missed
I can still taste your lips
Remembering our first kiss in the moonlight
Stars falling from above
As we fell so deep in love
I long for the way it was, those were the nights

Drive-in show, very last row,
Top down in the car
We seldom seen who’s on that screen
But girl we sure saw stars

Those were the nights I’ve missed
I can still taste your lips
Remembering our first kiss in the moonlight
Stars falling from above
As we fell so deep in love
I long for the way it was, those were the nights

And even now when I stare into that starry sky
That big old moon takes my heart back to another time

I still recall early that fall
You and your family moved away
After twenty years I’m still here
Remembering better days

Those were the nights I’ve missed
I can still taste your lips
Remembering our last kiss in the moonlight
Stars falling from above
As we fell so deep in love
I long for the way it was, those were the nights

Wildwood Flower
Four hicks head downtown and try to play some jazz…

E-mail:.wendell@wendellferguson.com