1. Introduction
By Holmes Hooke

I don't watch my weight or my cholesterol
Cause I don't have to worry 'bout getting old at all
I'm never gonna have to taste the taste of Geritol
Not with the way I drive

I take lots of chances I got lots of nerve
Passin' on the inside, passin' on a curve
Is it any wonder why I can't get insured
Not with the way I drive

Life's worth livin' when the world is whippin' past
Who can smell the roses when you're goin' this fast?
I'm never gonna know how old age feels
When I'm runnin' red lights, takin' corners on two wheels

I flew past a cop, wrong way up a ramp
While he was writin' me up he was gettin' writers' cramp
I'll never gonna hear no children callin' me Gramps
Not with the way I drive

Life in the fast lane is life lived wrong
And I'm livin' proof but I won't be livin' long
Fast lane's nothin', if you want to have fun
You oughta try life in the "oncoming" one

One eye on the road, one foot on the gas
One knee on the wheel, two hands rollin' grass
I won't know what hit me, right up to the crash
A crash that I won't survive…
I got more fines and tickets than I'd care to mention
Right now my license is under suspension
I'm never gonna spend one penny of my pension
Cause I won't see 65
Not with the way I…I'd best say "Bye-bye"
Not with the way I drive…

Our little pig is 4 years old
And quite a little ham
So we spell out the words that we don't
Want him to understand
Like S-A-U-S-A-G-E
Or R-O-A-S-T
But the words we're hiding from him now
Tear the heart right out of me

The B-U-T-C-H-E-R
Is comin' over today
Soon our little P-I-G
Will be going away
It makes me feel just like a
K-I-double L-E-R
Oh I wished I'd never called that
B-U-T-C-H-E-R

Look at him, he thinks it's time
For mud-baths or slop again
And he thinks B-A-C-O-N
Spells "sty" or "pen"
I'd hate to see his little feet
P-I-C-K-L-E-D
Oh I've sworn off C-H-O-P-S
And I'm through with B-L-Ts

The B-U-T-C-H-E-R
Is comin' over today
Soon our little P-I-G
Will be D.O.A.
It makes me feel just like a
K-I-double L-E-R
Oh I wished I'd never called that
B-U-T-C-H-E-R

5. The Barnyard Two-Step

If you're visiting the farm,
And you're walkin' round the barn
There is one thing you should always keep in mind
Though the animals are cute
There's a fact you can't refute
Behind every furry face is a behind
Just observe a critter's ass
You'll see all things come to pass
They leave poo and pie and pellets lyin' round
When your boot's up to its tongue
You can almost taste the dung
Here's what to do then when the chips are down

You gotta learn the barnyard two-step
Yeah that's the soft-shoe, "country-style "
It's the step to do when you've stepped
Into a steaming pile
First you kick, then flick, then shake it
Then you grind like you'd grind out a cigarette
'Cause brother here's the scoop
When you're ankle deep in poop
You gotta do the barnyard two-step

I am constantly amazed
By the healthy way they graze
They eat hay & oats & grass & grain & seed
But when it comes back out
It's like methane sauerkraut
It's enough to put a fellow off his feed
Nothin' else can spoil your day
Worse than wearin' new 'Boulets'
And then steppin' in some stool you didn't see
But no need to curse and swear
Just pretend you're "Fred Astaire"
And start to do the two step, "Gingerly"

You gotta learn the barnyard two-step
Yeah that's the slickest move around
It's the step to do when you've stepped
Into a stinking mound
First you kick, then flick then shake it
Then you grind like you'd grind out a cigarette
'Cause if you soles are crepe
Then it does no good to scrape
You gotta do the barnyard two-step

Each variety of chip
Has a dance that goes with it
You just have to recognize the type of crap
Once that feces is I.D.'d
You'll know species, sex and breed
And whether to try 'Jazz', 'Ballet' or 'Tap'
If you're standing in some 'horse'
Break in to a 'Trot' of course
It's a 'Minuette' if you're in 'cow' manure
If it's 'dog' or if it's 'pig'
Clomp a 'Clog' or jump a 'Jig'
It all depends upon the "Poop de jour"

You gotta learn the barnyard two-step
Yeah that's the dance you've got to try
It's the step to do when you've stepped
Into a fresh 'cow-pie'
First you kick, then flick then shake it
Then you grind like you'd grind out a cigarette
'Cause unless you can 'Moonwalk"
You had best pull up your socks
And learn to do the barnyard two-step

Or roll up your apparel
Don't get your apparel in dung
Roll up your apparel
Or you're gonna smell like a skunk
Look at the farmers
They're soiled clean up to their knees
That's the reason their apparel
Is called "dungarees"

7. Here's Me, Here's God

Here's me, here's God
We're like two peas in a pod
Now you might think it's odd
But I've got a lot in common with God

We both drive a 'Galaxy'
Though His is somewhat older
He's got 'Comets' and 'Saturn' and 'Mercury's
I once rolled a 'Nova'
Now me, I have to wash my car
God gets his 'Meteor' showered
Mine's burnin' lots of oil and just guzzlin' gas
His is solar powered

Here's me, here's God
One's perfect, and one's flawed
But we both get ooh'ed and awed
So I got a lot in common with God

Now when it comes to temperaments
We're different there you see
Every now and then I'll act as if I'm God
He rarely acts like me
He's got long white hair and golden robes
And He lives in a heavenly home
Well maybe we're a little bit different there
But we both sit on the throne

Here's me, here's God
An icon and a clod
But unless my thinking's flawed
I've got a lot in common with God

Long ago He had a child
With someone else's wife
Take a rock and throw it into any schoolyard
You'll hit one of mine
Cause when it comes to making love
We're practically the same
I wonder, though, whenever God is having sex
If He calls out my name?

Here's me, here's God
Both out chasin' broads
Like two old randy sods
Oh I've got a lot in common with God

Now God, He smites his enemies
We're alike there as well
Whenever someone pisses me, or God, off
We just give 'em Hell
Sure I know He's all-powerful
But I'm not scared because
He's got a sense of humour and He loves to laugh
At least I sure hope He does

Here's me, here's God
I can see you're all starting to nod
I guess it's time now to applaud
I've got a lot in common with God

Here's God, here's me
One's earthy, One's heavenly
I hope this song has really been a blast for you
Cause it's been a blasphemy

8. Don't Call Your Girlfriend Honey
by Wendell Ferguson and Holmes Hooke.

Don’t call your girlfriend “Honey” when she’s standin’ by a bear
The bear might get excited and try to get his share
Here’s her leg, there’s her arm, way over there’s her hair
Don’t call your girlfriend “Honey” if she’s standin’ by a bear

Don’t call your girlfriend “Ducky” when she’s swimmin’ in the lake
Some myopic hunter might make a bad mistake
“She looked just like a mallard” he told me at her wake
Don’t call your girlfriend “Ducky” when she’s swimmin’ in the lake

Don’t call your girlfriend “Sweetie” when she’s sleepin’ by some ants
‘Cause they just might go a-lookin’ inside her blouse and pants
And once those things start bitin’ she never stood a chance
Don’t call your girlfriend “Sweetie” if she’s sleepin’ by some ants

Don’t call your girlfriend “Dearie” when she’s walkin’ in the woods
Her doeskin gloves and jacket might be misunderstood
Her body took twelve bullets but her mounted head looked good
Don’t call your girlfriend “Dearie” if she’s walkin’ in the woods

Don’t call your girlfriend “Sugar” when she’s tryin’ to ride her horse
The horse may get distracted and start to go off course
It’s a darn good thing that girlfriends are a renewable resource
Don’t call your girlfriend “Sugar” when she’s tryin’ to ride her horse

Don’t call your girlfriend “Bambi” when she’s standin’ by a buck…
Cause he might be in season and she just might get…

9. Great Big Johnson

Some girls seem to go for men with muscles
Other girls prefer a man with class
Some like men with taste
Or just a handsome face
Others go for wallets full of cash
But up in cottage country things are different
There's one simple rule I will announce:
That when it comes to boaters
It's all about their motors
Believe me when I tell you, "Size counts"

He's got a great big Johnson
It's the biggest Johnson on the lake
All the neighbors turn green
When they see his machine
It's the biggest Johnson that they make
And all the girls cry "Awesome!"
And whistle loud when he goes by
They know if they look cute
In their sexy swim suits
They can take his big Johnson for a ride

He's got a great big Johnson
It's bigger than an Atlas rocket
With all of the force
Of four hundred horse
We all wonder where he docks it
In lakes from here to Wisconsin
It's talked about with jealous pride
Cause when his anchor drops
He hauls up his big prop
And oh how all the ladies sigh

Solo

He's got a great big Johnson
It makes us other boaters just sick
When he wears his speedos
We say, "Damn that torpedo"
And folks all think they sighted 'Moby Dick'
Cause when that thing is throbbin'
You can hear him comin' miles away
I don't mean to be crude
But it's just Evinrude
To all us other dinghies
Us little tiny dinghies
To all us other dinghies in the bay

10. Capo

If you sorta play guitar
But you find that "F"s are hard
And you've tried to make a barre
But you're just not able
Let me offer some advice
That will make your chords sound nice
Get yourself a small device
Called a capo

It's a kind of little clamp
That alleviates your cramps
And you'll be a happy camper
If you use it
It's so magical you see
Cause with just "G", "D" and "C"
You can sing in any key
If you move it
And so I always keep one in my pocket
Right up to the moment when I lost it

Now all I want for Christmas is a capo
Cause every chord I play just sounds so ruined
Yes all I want for Christmas is a capo
Cause even "____" can tell it's out of tune
Pretty soon you'll start to throw tomatoes
And yell "Just what the hell you think you're doin'?"
So all I want for Christmas is a capo
The trouble is right now it's only June
Wish I was capo-ble of playing in tune

11. Spice

Oh a mouse is just a mouse, But when there's many
You've got mice
Likewise a louse is just a louse, but when there's lots
You've got lice
And that simple rule it still holds true
For many things in life
But a spouse is just a spouse 'til you've got several
Then you've got spice

Oh an octopus is just an octopus but when there's oodles
They're octopi
And a platypus is just a platypus but when they're plenty
They're platapi
Just like tooths are teeth, and gooses are geese
And in some circles, radiusses are radii
But a spouse is just a spouse 'til you've got several
Then you've got spice

And variety is still the spice of life
With a whole world full of women
Why settle for just one wife?
Lovin' two or three sure is bigamy
But I'm a big, big-hearted guy
Yes a spouse is just a spouse 'til you've got several
Then you've got spice

Now a concubine, perhaps for you is fine but me, I prefer some concubi
Because a broad is just a broad until she
blossoms as a bride
And if I can take the whole damn cake
Why settle for just one slice
'Cause a spouse is just a spouse, 'til you've got several
Then you've got spice

And variety is still the spice of life
With a whole world full of women
Why settle for just one wife?
Lovin' two or three sure is bigamy
But I'm a big, big-hearted guy
Yes a spouse is just a spouse 'til you've got several
Then you've got spice

Yes monogamy's sheer monotony
Just ask Heidi Fleiss
Oh a spouse is just a spouse 'til you've got several
Then you've got spice

12. Don’t Close the Door on Me

Richard my friend, you took me in
Right after she threw me out
You gave me a hand and a soft place to land
And ain’t that what friendship’s about
It was early last May, when you said I could stay
‘til I could get back on my feet
Now it’s December and you’re losin’ your temper
And throwin’ me out on the street

Oh, don’t close the door on me Dick
Just think of the pain you’ll inflict
The second it slams I’ll be in a jam
Completely cut off when it clicks
Oh, don’t close the door on me Dick

You say I’m a jerk cause I don’t looked for work
And I don’t do a thing round the house
I eat all your food and I lounge in the nude
Dick you know how I love hangin’ out
Sure I hog the remote and I seldom use soap
And some say I live like a slob
But right now I’m caught in a really tight spot
So Dick take your hand off that knob

And don’t close the door on me Dick
Just think of the pain you’ll inflict
The second it slams I’ll be in a jam
Completely cut off when it clicks
Oh, don’t close the door on me Dick

I’m down on my knees, I’m beggin’ Dick please
Won’t you help a buddy who’s in a tight squeeze
I'm comin’ unhinged, if you don’t give an inch
And show some compassion for a pal in a pinch

And don’t close the door on me Dick
Just think of the pain you’ll inflict
The second it slams I’ll be in a jam
Completely cut off when it clicks
Oh, don’t close the door on me Dick

Oh, don’t close the door on me Dick
Just think of the pain you’ll inflict
The second it shuts I’ll be totally nuts
And talk about wounds you can’t lick
Oh, don’t close the door on me Dick

13. Fret No More
Instrumental

Late last night I took a big bite
My face went white and my throat got tight
Cause I didn't chew
I tried to talk but my throat was blocked
All my air cut off couldn't even cough
Cause I didn't chew

Who'd have thought that I could suffocate?
Just because I didn't masticate
I saw St. Peter standing at the gate sayin' to me
How does it feel? How does it feel?
To be comin' back home?
Life on earth is blown
By one chicken bone

Well sure I croaked now all you folks
You laugh and joke wait until you choke
Cause you didn't chew
You'll grab your chest and gasp for breath
And get so depressed as you face your death
Cause you didn't chew

Wolfing food down was your fatal flaw
All you had to do was move your jaw
But what really's stickin' in your craw is me
Sayin' how does it feel? How does it feel?
To be comin' back home?
Life on earth is blown
By one chicken bone
Or a…

E-mail:.wendell@wendellferguson.com